An apology to someone I lied to

When I was leaving Vancouver I stated that I didn't expect Portland to cure any sort of bad feelings I was feeling in Vancouver. I stated that I knew a change of location alone would not revolutionize me, my attitude, my bullshit, etc. I tried to act like coming to Portland was not a blatant attempt at pushing the reset button.

I realize now I lied. Actually, it's not even that I lied- I was just hardcore in denial. This is the mindset of an ex-military brat, I guess.

Maybe it's just these first few days and it will pass, but I haven't felt this trapped since Gresham (and by Gresham I mean pre-Benson days).

I've stopped watching TV altogether here at home except for hockey and House, because seeing American TV makes me panic.

This return home embodies what I've always said- I may be American but I have no real idea what that means. Until I figure out who I am and where I have to be to survive, I walk these vaguely familiar streets aimlessly and ask myself who am I without you?